my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
