I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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