I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
