My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
