now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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