I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
