I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
