someone get that fucking seahorse.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
