did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Randomize
