i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
