Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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