White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
