You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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