My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
