So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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