I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
