i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
