you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
he just fucked me for my cheese..
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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