really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We are all done wearing pants today
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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