Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Randomize
