Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
