Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
