Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
