i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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