I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
