Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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