Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
