I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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