They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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