We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
