Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
