It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
