I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
