I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
