after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
