I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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