I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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