I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
