Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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