I heard we made out
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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