don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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