Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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