sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
