Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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