My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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