I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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