Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You're like the curious george of whores
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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