You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
