This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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