Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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