It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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