He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
