Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
