I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
