It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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