How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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