The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize