I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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